So why am I still awake?
Is my mind a whirlwind of thoughts, twisting and tangling into a giant ball of mess similar to the Christmas lights that were just thrown in a box? It sort of feels like it. They've been tangling for awhile and as much as I think I've got them worked out... I don't.
I had a phone checkup with my general doctor earlier and there was no masking the pity in her voice. It's why I like my general doctor but at the same time it sort of bothered me. I don't like pity. It's a reminder of what I'm going through and how I'm not being the strong, inspirational character I set out to be. Instead, I am this person to be pitied. I don't want that.
I don't want any of this. How many times have I typed those very words in this blog? I don't want this. But, honestly, who does? Who would actually want my life? Maybe the good parts are desirable. I do have some bright shiny spots. Alas, the dark, tarnished ones are overshadowing the good parts.
In an effort to be more positive, I will look at the good parts of being yanked out of work for a few days ...
Dan and I started watching "Once Upon A Time" and just finished season 1. I loved it because I absolutely love Fairy Tales and Princesses, Dragons and Knights in Shining Armor. I'm still very much that little girl waiting for the Happy Ever After. I used to daydream of being a Princess. Someone would swoop in and rescue me from my life. Anyway, I love the show and wish I had another couple weeks off for us to watch Season 2. It's definitely inspired me to get back to my writing.
I did a lot of reading while I was sidelined these last two days, watched some movies and a marathon of Most Terrifying Places in America. It makes me want to go on a road trip and visit them all. Did I mention my love for all things haunted?! Even just to see all these amazing old buildings and places with legends attached to them... That would be enough for me.
Tomorrow I will return to my normal life again, headset on, body poised and ready in my 24/7 fight or flight posture. It will be good to be back on track but, part of me is reluctant to jump back in. I'm always reluctant after these medical setbacks. I don't want people to look at me like I'm anything different than I used to be. I always feel like I walk back in there with a big sign exposing me as a weak sick person. Ugh. It's just part of this life right? All I can do is put a smile on my face and hold my head high. As long as I do my job as good as I always have I'm good ... Right?
It's probably why I can't sleep. I don't want to face the judgment, silent or otherwise. I want to go back to flying under the radar.
Well goodnight world, I need to try and get some sleep.