Friday, April 25, 2014

Seeking Mr. Sandman

It's almost 10PM. I should be asleep. I work at 7am tomorrow. 

So why am I still awake? 

Is my mind a whirlwind of thoughts, twisting and tangling into a giant ball of mess similar to the Christmas lights that were just thrown in a box? It sort of feels like it.  They've been tangling for awhile and as much as I think I've got them worked out... I don't.

I had a phone checkup with my general doctor earlier and there was no masking the pity in her voice. It's why I like my general doctor but at the same time it sort of bothered me.  I don't like pity. It's a reminder of what I'm going through and how I'm not being the strong, inspirational character I set out to be.  Instead, I am this person to be pitied. I don't want that.

I don't want any of this. How many times have I typed those very words in this blog? I don't want this. But, honestly, who does? Who would actually want my life? Maybe the good parts are desirable. I do have some bright shiny spots. Alas, the dark, tarnished ones are overshadowing the good parts.

In an effort to be more positive, I will look at the good parts of being yanked out of work for a few days ...

Dan and I started watching "Once Upon A Time" and just finished season 1. I loved it because I absolutely love Fairy Tales and Princesses, Dragons and Knights in Shining Armor. I'm still very much that little girl waiting for the Happy Ever After. I used to daydream of being a Princess.  Someone would swoop in and rescue me from my life. Anyway, I love the show and wish I had another couple weeks off for us to watch Season 2.  It's definitely inspired me to get back to my writing. 

I did a lot of reading while I was sidelined these last two days, watched some movies and a marathon of Most Terrifying Places in America. It makes me want to go on a road trip and visit them all.  Did I mention my love for all things haunted?!  Even just to see all these amazing old buildings and places with legends attached to them... That would be enough for me. 

Tomorrow I will return to my normal life again, headset on, body poised and ready in my 24/7 fight or flight posture.  It will be good to be back on track but, part of me is reluctant to jump back in. I'm always reluctant after these medical setbacks. I don't want people to look at me like I'm anything different than I used to be.  I always feel like I walk back in there with a big sign exposing me as a weak sick person.  Ugh. It's just part of this life right? All I can do is put a smile on my face and hold my head high. As long as I do my job as good as I always have I'm good ... Right?

It's probably why I can't sleep. I don't want to face the judgment, silent or otherwise. I want to go back to flying under the radar.

Well goodnight world, I need to try and get some sleep.

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