Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Shoot for the Stars

Do you know what I wanted to be when I grew up? 
A police officer?
A fireman?
A veterinarian?
Sure, I entertained the thought of all those things while growing up. But, I was pretty certain I would be in the performing arts.
Do you know what my real dreams were?
I wanted to be an actress
I wanted to be a broadway pit orchestra musician OR play on those big EPIC scores for movies.
I wanted to sing.
I wanted to be a published author. 
I wanted to create and perform and transform dreams and visions into reality.
I LOVED being on stage. For someone who's shy like me, it's weird that it would all go away when those stage lights hit me. 
I miss being on stage, I miss rehearsals and performing. I miss the applause and the recognition. I miss me. 
I am lucky to have a good job. However, this was never my dream.  There may have been a slight (ok serious) adoration for law enforcement and crime solving. But, did I ever say I wanted to forsake all those dreams for it?
I'm 34 years old. Some of those dreams are downright impossible to even go after now. I haven't regularly played my saxophone in years. But when I last picked it up, it was like my fingers magically remembered where to go. With a little polishing I could be back how I was. But for what? To play in my bedroom? 
I love singing but, I don't think I'm good at it. Sure, I have excellent timing, rhythm and can learn the words and tune of a song very quickly. But ... You have to be good to get anywhere. 
I'm too old to break into acting.  And that's the least of my road blocks there! Have you seen me? I'm definitely not what you'd call "screen worthy".
I write. And I write. And I write.  I've been writing stories since 4th grade.  I've always wanted to be published.  I have a manuscript that is 200 pages long. 50,000 words. It needs some major fine tuning and there's a gap in the middle where I got stuck but, it's something.
But will I ever get it published?  Who knows? It requires more time and focus from me.  I wish I had days I could sit down and actually focus on writing.   Turn on some Hans Zimmer and have those musical scores inspire me. Id block everything else out.  I bet my book would be done and being mailed out to whoever would listen In a heartbeat. 
I do wish I'd tried to chase one of these dreams a bit more fervently. I should have held on to them.
Now I'm 34, with a broken malfunctioning body, an almost finished manuscript, BIG daydreams of being on the screen and a good job that takes up all of my writing time. 
What if always comes to mind. What if I'd didn't this or that? It can make a person sick thinking like that. But, it's true. 
Sometimes, (ok ... All the time) I don't feel like I'm living my life. I'm watching from the sidelines because the real me is not working like this.  This is not my life.

"Live the life you imagine". Well that seemed albeit inpossible.  I want to live that life I've been imagining since before I could remember. 
I had so many dreams.  Big, life altering decisions. Why did I let those slip from my finger tips? Is it too late to get them back

Don't give up on your dreams no matter how insignificant you feel it is. To someone else that could be the last thing they hope for. 

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