Friday, May 2, 2014

Be Yourself

"Be  yourself" It's what has been ground into my head for my entire life time.  I agree with it.  One should always just be themselves and stop trying to be everyone else.  Well ... what if you are only being "half" of yourself.

I feel like I keep most of my true self hidden all the time.  My brain has receptors that let me know the nature of the people around me and when and where I an 100% truly be myself.  It's not often that I can.  I've seen weird looks on people's faces when little parts of me burst forth and I find myself backpedaling in my head and wishing I hadn't said anything. 

I came up with what I want to do when I reach my goal weight.  I'll go ahead and write it here because ... it's my blog and I can write what I want in here.  SO ... OK ... here it goes ...

I want to go to San Diego Comic Con 2015 and I want to go in some form of cosplay. 

For those that don't know.  Cosplay is short for Costume Play. It's homemade, unique costumes of characters.  Comic Con and all the other conventions are FILLED with them.  I've always loved dressing up.  I haven't done it in years because I am fat and the costumes and characters I love being require someone less round.  I love it.  I can't wait to actually make that happen.  I've been toying with ideas on what I want to do.  I have a list of characters ... I just have to figure out how to make the costume. 

Call me a nerd but ... it is what it is.  I am who I am.  I love superheroes and fantasy, villains and princesses, fairy tales and science fiction.   Maybe people don't know that about me but it's true.  I'm girly on the inside. I want to wear dresses and cute shoes.  I wish I had the ability to make my hair cute and wear makeup that doesn't make me look like a clown.  I love the pinup look, I love steampunk and funky things. I love big chunky heels and a lot of black white and silver.  While it's comfortable, I'm just not a jeans and tshirt kind of girl on the inside.

I love music and I love to sing.  I don't think I'm good at all so I don't sing in front of people but in the car ... in my house ... game on.  Unfortunately, I've been having a lot of trouble with that lately.  I don't know if the radiation did something to my vocal cords but ... I can't hit the notes I used to before I did radiation.  Perhaps it takes practice ... I've been practicing for a year.  It feels worse these days.  Even talking I'm all scratchy at times.

I feel like I am not being myself completely.  I'm not in a creative career.  My entire life was one of playing make believe, writing stories, playing and singing music, pretending to act things out in my bedroom.  I loved being creative.  I truly believe that is the only part of my brain that works the way it is supposed to.  I wish I had a job in some sort of creative field.  I would love it more than life itself. 

I try to write when I have downtime at work.  I wish I had more time to sit in my office at home and focus on it.  I need to not be distracted or interrupted.  Wouldn't it be wonderful to have 8 hours a day to sit down and work on my book?  That's what a novelist gets to do.  I have to squeeze it in between calls.  It's distracting and sometimes I lose my train of thought.  The muse goes away ... I don't blame her.  This is a suffocating environment ...

Part of me thinks I am still young enough to live the life I imagined, and do the things that I want to be doing.  It's going to take work and dedication.  But ... like with the weight loss, it starts with a single step.  Coming up with a plan for next year at Comic Con as a reward for losing all the weight I needed to lose ... that's the first step.  .

Step two may be picking up my saxophone again ... who knows?  I just miss expressing myself via music.  I miss how natural it all came to me.  I miss being GOOD at something. 

I can't tell people to be themselves when I am not fully doing that myself.

But, it's not too late to do that, right? 

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