Awhile back, during all of the ups and downs of diagnosis and adjusting to life as a permanent sick person, I talked to my doctor and asked if I might be "depressed". She prescribed medication and then kept checking on me. In her eyes, I was experiencing a MAJOR depression. For awhile, I even believed it myself. However, after some soul searching and being able to look at my life from the outside, I don't think that was the case at all.
Hear me out before you jump to conclusions to tell me that I am, in fact, depressed.
Most of the day? I'm happy. Yes, I admit that I struggle with a kaleidoscope of feelings throughout said day. I can be angry and jealous, I can get fed up and frustrated. I can be really mad at the world and wondering what injustice I did to someone in another life, or even this one, to deserve the hand that I have been dealt. But you know what? This is NORMAL for someone who has to go through all of this. Can you imagine going from living your life on your terms to suddenly living your life having to adhere to a list of Dos and Don'ts? Anyone would have trouble with it.
But, when I step back and look over the disease part. I'm happy. I love my house. I love my animals, I love my car even though it's expensive. I love my job. I love my family. I love being able to read and write whenever I want to. I love being able to get out and walk down my street under the hanging Oak limbs and being able to smell all the flowers from the gardens around me. I love a lot about my life.
Do I have moments of darkness? Yes. I do. Who doesn't? No one is sunshine and rainbows all the time. Even if you think they are ... they just hide it well. Trust me. It's part of the human spirit. It's call having emotion. If you don't have them, you're on some serious heavy medication! If you can be happy, you can be sad. It's that simple.
I stopped taking the anti depressants awhile ago. They weren't making things better. I found other ways of lifting my spirits. A walk, a good movie, a good book. Taking a moment to just lie around and be a blob because those house chores CAN WAIT. I work what I have to for ME, not for those people asking for days off. If I don't need it, I won't take it. I am happy on the inside. I'm not depressed.
Yes, sometimes I lie in bed too long or lounge on the couch. But, that comes from being lazy and acknowledging that I'm sick and fighting a constant battle for my life so ... I do get to rest more than others. Deal with it. You can have what I have if you're jealous about it.
Yes, I don't think there are children in my future. I could adopt, but it would be the most selfish decision I think I will ever make. I lost my parents young. It was devastating and I couldn't put my own children in that position. This is my view about my life. I don't think everyone should go along with me. It is what is good for us. It's not a decision set in stone yet. But, it's something that is helping me get through this Mother's Day and realizing I am still not a mother.
Sometimes, sadness is just that ... some sadness. It's a mood. It happens. Unfortunately, too many people throw medication at that instead of dealing with it. Yes, I get that people NEED it. There are people who need it and fight a battle with depression all the time. That is not my situation! I am taking control of my emotions, allowing myself moments of whatever dark emotion I'm having but ... then I move on from it.
There is so much good in my life (a lot of bad, I will admit it) and I can't just lie around and wallow in my self pity. If everyone else doesn't feel bad about what's going on with me ... why should I? Nope. I'm not going to.
I'm glad I was able to see this in myself. I'm glad I was able to be able to gain control over something in my life. The right for me to continue on living certainly isn't in my hands. That's a hard fact to swallow but it is a fact, and it is what it is.
I urge you to look at your life and take stock of the good things. You'll probably be surprised at the amount of things there are. If you hate your job, try to be grateful to have one ... if you hate your house, starting putting a dollar or two away to move somewhere else. Everything has a thing you can do to change it. There are no easy ways out ... sometimes, things take a lot of hard work. If you're not willing to use a little elbow grease, you'll never change things. I am changing me. If I can do it, dealing with everything that I have to ... so can you.
Have a wonderful day everyone, and if you are a mother, Happy Mother's Day.