Sunday, May 18, 2014

Flip The Switch

Do you have a button?  A limit to what you will take?  I think most people do.  We all take and take and take and endure until finally, that button is reached and it's game over! No more Mrs.NiceGirl.  Well, for me it's Nice Girl.  You could be a guy for all I know. 

My button has been hit! Stomped upon really.  It's been building for some time.  I listen and endure and put up with and tolerate and swallow sooooo damn much I want to just say that ... it's bound to explode.  And, explode it has. 

A very emotionally charging, taxing experience that felt somewhat rewarding was smashed into smithereens and the high from that disappeared faster than you can blink your eyes.  Go ahead, blink, see how fast it is?  Anyway, I can't really go into what that experience was but ... it's caused the button being pushed. 

I also cannot tolerate when someone is upset about something completely and totally unrelated to me, but I am the one that it gets taken out on.  Not everyone else.  Hmm, OK, that's how you want to work things?  Fine.  Have at it. 

I'm done putting up with the bullshit that goes on around me.  I'm done.  Why should I have to listen to the nonsense, put up with being overlooked, stepped on and pushed around because I'm a "nice" person.  Being nice is a good thing.  Being nice is something that everyone should try to be once in their lives.  Since when did being nice mean others could be complete and total assholes to you?  Screw this business. 

I keep my personal issues private. I could go on and on all day with how my illness is going, how I live in fear all the time, how I can't do what you all take for granted, how I'm changing how I eat not only to lose weight but to try and feel physically better.  Do you have to worry that your cancer is going to come back?  No.  Do you have to monitor aches and pains and itches and twitches?  No.  I don't bother people with it.  It's my battle.  I am tired of the eye roll.   There are days I hate the world.  I hate every part of the world.  Do I take it out on people?  I try with every part of my being not to take it out on people.

I'm finished with people being rude, making backhanded insulting remarks, alluding to their greatness when truly ... they aren't that great and it's just their insecurity speaking.  I am tired of having things rubbed in  my face and I am supposed to be all congratulatory and fawn all over you or ... break my neck trying to lift your spirits when you're down.  I'm done.  

How many times have things happened to me?  More than I let on.  Do I post every inch of it on facebook so I can have adoring comments and words of wisdom?  Not anymore.  I posted about my dads birthday more in an honor of him because I didn't get to have him in my life for very long.  But, for the most part, I keep that stuff off the internet because I don't need constant reaffirmation of myself.  

Part of me is this close to deactivating my account.  But, I still like to see pictures of my friends kids, and read funny anecdotes.  I've definitely scaled back my involvement there.  It pisses me off more than brings any kind of joy, that's for damn sure. 

I guess I've had people's boots wiped on my face enough times.  A person can only take so much of that before losing it.  

You won't be stepping on my face to get ahead anymore.  I'm done coddling you, of being a better friend to you than you are to me, of bending over backwards to help, of trying to be a good person because I am learning faster and faster ... good people get nowhere in life.  You have to be pretty messed up, selfish, rude, and see only yourself in order to get anywhere. 

I'll just be over here, quietly fighting every day to live the kind of life that you get to but take completely for granted!

My button is stuck down.  There's no getting the old me back.   

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