Saturday, July 5, 2014

A wicked mind is a terrible thing to waste

I feel like my mind is being wasted.  Perhaps, I placed too much of a strain on it.   The pressure to get things done, perfected and sent out to be criticized may have proven to be too much because I can't seem to write anything now to save my life.   I had a blazing day of 10,000 words but ... since then my imagination is a dried up well.

That's not to say I don't imagine things.  Nope.  I do. I've been spending the last few days drifting away in a fantasy world.  I can see things vivid and clear as if they are actual memories there.  But, for some reason, the process of getting those thoughts converted into words and then putting them on paper hasn't been working.    That doesn't bode well for me.

People have asked me on countless occasions in the last few days how I have retained my sanity while working eighty hours a week the past couple weeks.  Well, my usual go-to answer is that I write.  I write while I am here in between calls and when I don't have a trainee.  I face my computer, I let part of my brain slip from this world and into the world I am creating.  Seems that portal is closed and I can't get my brain to be there!

I've even started other writing ideas to see if they would take off or spark something.  Nope.  I took an idea that sounded SO strong in my head and tried to write it over the last few days.  I have barely one page. 

Will this writers' block ever lift?  I sure as heck hope so. 

All that writing nonsense aside, I'm doing OK otherwise for those that read this for an update in the ongoing saga of whether or not I will fall back into the death grip of cancer and Wegener's.    So far, so good.   Those little M proteins that indicate my blood cancer have behaved as far as I know.  My heart always leaps into my throat whenever Dr. Zhang's office calls but ... the message has been good thus far.  Cancer remission is at 1 year 3 months and counting.

Wegener's?  Well, he's an asshole.  I think I knocked him unconscious for the time being but ... some things are starting to happen that make me think that he could be coming awake again.  This, more than the cancer, scares me.   Having a relatively unknown disease that could kill you isn't exactly something that can just brushed off and forgotten.   For the most part, when things would happen I knew they weren't related and I kept moving.

Now? I'm not so sure.  I'll spare you the details but ... if it IS Wegener's ... I am a little more scared than before.  I just did my lab work and while my PR-3 levels were still elevated they were better than they had been ever before.  I thought that was a promising sign.  While the PR-3 test isn't exactly an indicator of disease activity ... it's something I would really like to see back to normal.  Like ... actual normal and not just the low end of being high.   I go do them again in August.  We'll see what they say then. 

No.  I'm not waiting until then to see the doctor.  I emailed both my rheumatologist and my general doctor to ask them about a weird pain in my leg the other night that almost had my ass hauled to the ER for the bazillionth time in the last two and a half years.  But, it passed and I was certain it was not the scary bad blood clot that people were making it out to be.  

Needless to say, looking over this entry, I'm not the happy-go-lucky person I have been in the last few entries.   A person can't be in a good mood EVERY day, right?  I'm worried about my health a teensy bit and I am frustrated that I can't write.  At least, I can't write in my normal format.  I seem to have no problem word vomiting all over a blog page. 

This too shall pass, I say.  This too shall pass.

1 comment:

  1. I hope it's not Wegeners! You said it best when you called it a bastard. When I've had writers block, I've gone to writing prompts. Maybe that would help? Something that's not a novel or story you're writing, that just gets you freed up a little? IDK, but regardless, it will pass. It always does.