Friday, August 1, 2014

August 1st ... I hate you.

Fourteen years ago, today became a day I will hate for the rest of my entire life.  It had been a day everyone in my family had been trying to prepare for, but who really can prepare for a death?  There is no way to prepare.  Trust me, I tried to gear myself up for it and I still feel to a billion pieces.

My Dad died on this date, fourteen years ago.  For how I feel, you'd think he died an hour ago.  It is a wound that refuses to heal and I am in no major hurry to make it heal.  He was my best friend, my knight in shining armor, a little girl's first love.  I was my dad's pride and joy, his princess, his little girl.  It's no wonder I am not doing well with it, right? 

Last year, on 7/31/13, I was given the final diagnosis of Wegener's.  It had been something that kept being mentioned and then finally I had the specialist on board as well.  So last August 1st I was still sort of reeling from the news that I didn't quite notice the day. 

There's no avoiding it today.  It's been bothering me all week.  The emotions that have been running rampant in my body are out of control.  It's resulted in me eating crappy, making bad choices, not sleeping enough and just feeling GROSS.  But, I noticed some things happening that I didn't really pay much attention to.  I figured my bad eating was making things act up.

My doctor disagrees and has ordered me over to the lab for blood work. 

Well, that kind of statement is enough to make someone worry a little.  Granted, I do my blood work every two months and it's due two weeks from now but she says I should go do them now so I can see what my levels are.  It's been my experience that my blood work doesn't properly depict how I am feeling and I am left feeling frustrated.   Hopefully, this won't be the case.

No, I don't want something BAD to show up, I just want something to show up that explains all this.  Is it because of how I was eating?  Is my dumb disease waking up again?  I've been working far too much and that doesn't help things stay on track. 

This just isn't a good day for me.  I'm sure the blood work will be fine and I won't have to worry about that but ... the day still sucks.  I want my Dad to be here every second of the day.  Not being able to bounce these things off him kills me all the time. 

I did my labs.  Now I sit and wait. 

I miss my Dad and I want it to be August 2nd already. 

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