Thursday, August 14, 2014

Stick a fork in me, I'm done

My brain feels like a sponge that's been wrung out of all the good, fun, stuff.  Now, my brain sits up in the shell that is my skull a wrung out, crusted, limp piece of gray, squiggly mush.  Or like, a busted up robot, crumpled on the ground and there is the occasional zap of power still trying to keep it running but ... it's hopeless.   Have I painted that picture enough for you yet?

There are a million contributors to this madness.  First and foremost, myself.  I overdid it for myself.  I pushed myself too much as I always do.  But, I had a revelation this morning upon getting dressed.  I've made myself OCD.  Not like, 100% OCD but ... like 50%?  Is it possible to be just a little OCD?  I think so.  I think it's a job requirement.  We should put it on our list of required skills for this job.  "Must be a little bit obsessive compulsive to ride the ride".  I find that I hate when my boxes touch on the screen at work, or I hate papers that are haphazardly stacked.  Nope.  They have to be stacked neatly.  I can't have papers on the counter at home.  I go through them, sort them, and move them to the table where I have a filing system ready to go.  I can't handle my car being a mess.  It may take a day or two but suddenly I am freaking out and need to clean the car.  And ... I have to work as much as I can so that I know when payday comes ... the money will cover the bills.  It's what I do.  I feel like I HAVE to work.  So I push and push and push and push until I can't go anymore.

Healthy?  Not so much. 

Balls are in motion to ease that for me and ... that will be one less OCD part of my crazy life.  The rest will still be there, trust me.  I know this because today I was having a major OCD freak out while driving my husband's truck to work.  He's in construction so ... you can do the careful deductions to figure out why I was going nuts, right?  No?  Let me fill you in. 

Stuff ... Everywhere.

Electrical tape, a couple hand tools, receipts for the job site, receipts for home, a box of misc. parts, some weird orange plastic things that had a cotton ball-y thing on them, and ... of course ... a shit ton of dirt! My eye is twitching just thinking about it.   But, that is his domain.  It's hit mess.  But that was just another jab in my side, indicating that I am more OCD than I thought.

Money stress, training stress, work stress, sadness over feeling like I lost someone from my life even when I didn't even know them, feeling like the world is a little less happy now. Worrying about  my Nana, worrying about things I have zero to no control over. 

I worry about my health.  (apparently not enough to work less but still ...) I have felt some things (am still feeling some things) that scare me.  I've tried to talk with the docs but ... I got fed up that some scary symptoms were a "headache" so I didn't go to them with this.  What are they going to say?  My heart has a "headache" too?  If it keeps up I may go see them tomorrow.  I was supposed to go to  my doctor tomorrow anyway but I cancelled that appointment after my anger that the "headache" word again.

I feel like I am overwhelmed.  I feel like I am on a hamster wheel.  It spins and spins and spins but I am really not getting anywhere. 

I'm taking a little break from working on the next book project.  I have three active books.  I need to really focus for the next one.  The next one is the start of what I hope will be a series.  It requires a little more preparation and homework.  But, this is what I love so be it.

I just feel like I am up against a wall right now.  The wall will move eventually ... I just have to push a little bit harder.  And you all know me, if there is one thing I do ... I push myself. 

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