Saturday, August 2, 2014

To quit or not to quit

Rejection is all part and partial of the journey to becoming a published author, is it not?  So far I have received dozens of letters politely declining my work and while it sucks, I take them, save them in a folder and move on.  Then, someone loved my synopsis and wanted to see 100 pages.  I eagerly sent it over ... feeling unbelievably hopeful about all of this for the first time.

Until now.

I just received word that my writing didn't live up to her expectations from my query letter and the synopsis.  I had a wonderful idea but my writing wasn't as dramatic enough.  I can't even defend it because I am my own worst critic!!   Do I pull up that file and go back through it with a fine toothed comb, changing things and revamping it into something better?  I don't know. 

Honestly, I feel like hanging up my imagination forever.  This one completely took the wind out of my sails and fogged up the dreams I was having.   Perhaps, I'm not good enough for this.  I'm not capable of writing well enough to have an agent represent me and shop me out to all the large publishing houses.  I'm just a girl from Santa Rosa who writes obsessively ... but isn't good at it. 

Oh poor me, right?  But, how can I just pick myself back up and move forward from this?  It's like ... the one solid good hope that I had and now it's been squashed to bits.   Smashed into smithereens!! Not a trace of shining hope left to hold onto.  It's awful.  I feel worthless ... like I shouldn't even continue this charade. 

I had planned on spending some time this weekend working on the first book of the series I had planned but now I don't even want to open a word file.  I want to go through the computer and delete every single idea that I have in there.  It's the equivalent of wanting to smash anything in my reach.  Temper tantrum?  Yea, maybe.  I want this more than anything in the world and it is starting to seem more and more like an impossible feat.

Maybe the feelings are residual from yesterday ... I miss my Dad something fierce and feel like I am not living up to my potential and he can see that.  I feared I was getting sick again but so far I have perfect blood work (still waitin' on the inflammation blood work and the autoimmune levels).  It is my food that is doing this to me, it has to be.  I'll feel better once I have that under control for a few days.  It's how it works.  At least I am not getting worse.  I hope to keep continuing on a path to getting better.

Man, I am so freaking depressed now.  Like ... I feel I am a complete and total failure.  I spent so much time talking about being a writer.  I've carried this dream in my heart for many years and now, it's gone with the wind.   I don't even have the heart or the energy to go on with this anymore.    This is why I am pessimistic!!! It saves me from this let-down ... this ... rejection.  No one likes rejection!!! UGH. 

I'm embarrassed that I have told anyone about my writing.  I'm embarrassed to have called myself a writer.  I am ... ashamed.    I should have kept it to myself because it would have saved me from having to answer the question that she hated it, that I suck, that I shouldn't ever be a writer.  I should just stick to my blogs and keep my writing to myself. 

I need a pick me up.  I feel like a complete and total loser.  A sick loser that feels like crap. 

Whatever. 

1 comment:

  1. I have faced a lot of rejection with my writing. While that one took the wind out of your sails, it's probably the best one. They offered reason rather than polite, "no thanks." So, listen to the critique and make it better. You have the right idea...you were close, so go for it!

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