Monday, October 20, 2014

1-2-3 Squish

Today marked my annual visit to the oncologist to make sure that everything is good.  As far as I know, everything is.  I will continue to think that even as I head down another trail of tests and exams, all purely precautionary, and yet it still just ignites that tiny spark of fear that lives in my brain.  Oh, who am I kidding? It's not a "tiny" spark of fear.  It's an elephant trying to cram itself into a clutch purse in the back of my head.   All I have to do is think something halfway not positive and the worry elephant begins his happy dance of flailing legs and trunks. 

Mr. Elephant is dancing.

It's nothing. I'll say that right now.  Let's all get together and say it.  "It's nothing."

There's been this little lump on my chest.  It's on the breastbone but not actually in the ol' boobie.  It's been there for a wee bit, and I never thought much of it but ... it's gotten bigger.  So, then I was like "Well ... I don't know that I like it being there all that much."  Before last year, I would have just said "It's a cyst" and carried on my life. But, Cancer has entered my tiny bubble of existence and I can't just shrug things off anymore.  Nope.  Now I have to have things "looked into."  I had my regularly scheduled yearly check up with my oncologist and I brought it up to him since I was there.  He checked it out and said ... and I quote. 
"It's definitely a lump.  It's definitely 'something'."  Then went to his computer and said "Have you had a mammogram yet?"  Then he said I should have an ultrasound and a biopsy but ,.. then he felt it again and said it would be too difficult to hit it just right with a needle biopsy and would be better biopsied if it was removed.  So ... he is referring me to a surgeon to have said bump removed and looked at.   And ... I go tomorrow for a mammogram.

No I don't think the two things are related.  I have a family history of cancer and should be having mammograms already, per the good cancer doc, Doc Zee.  Oh this will be a fun experience, let me tell you.  You know what else it makes me feel? 

Old.

No.  I'm not saying anyone needs to feel old by that remark.  It's not that I am being ageist either.  It has to do with this little mental bubble I live in where I am not almost 35 years old.  I have missed out on a lot of living and while I feel like my life is going nowhere ... time is still going by as fast as ever and I am staring at 35 on the horizon.  Halfway to 40.  There is a hill in the distance and I can see the top of it.  It's time to get real about my life.  It's not going anywhere.  This is where I am going to be forever.  Time to put my big girl panties on and deal with it, right?

Right.

Tomorrow I will embark on a new chapter in my life, adding a new procedure into my repertoire of procedures.  The ol' boobie squish.   I've joined that club. 

Well, here is to procedures that yield nothing, right?  My mammogram will be perfect and they will remove said annoying lump from my chest area and tell me it's the cyst I always believed it to be.  Because, I will thnk positive.  After all, cancer came out of left field when I wasn't expecting it.  It's not going to come when I am thinking it might be there again. 

It couldn't.  I mean, I am going to have to live the rest of my life in fear of cancer coming back.  That's what happens when you have it.  That's part of life.  It can come back.  It's checked in once, it's a member now.  There's no rule saying it has to stay away. 

It's just not back yet.  I am going to believe that to be true and it will be. 

This is all just routine.  My new routine.

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