Thursday, November 13, 2014

In Search of the Elusive Happiness

I'm not happy. 

There, I said it.  Right now, I'm not happy.  There are a number of contributors to my unhappiness.  First and foremost, I have a chronic disease.  I've been a relatively healthy person throughout my life so this distresses me. But, it's time I start to just accept it for what it is, take my medications as prescribed, crack down on the healthy lifestyle and realize that I am different than everyone else.  

There are some other big ticket items that are weighing heavily on me and making my sunshine and rainbows hide away from me.  In fact, I've spent the better part of last night and all day today weighing the pros/cons of dealing with these things.  Yes, I am being vague because it's something I won't talk about in such a public way.  Let's just say it is something that is "optional" and ... I'm starting to think there is no room in my life for it.  

I'm not happy when I do it.  I had this idea in my head that it would be a certain way and ... it's definitely not that way.  I tried to adjust my expectations  and still ... the discontent continued.  The results of my participation in this was also not pleasing.  This didn't help with the feelings of not wanting to do it.  Toss in a few comments, some strange practices and ... I think I have finally reached my breaking point and need to make a decision on whether I continue to have this in my life or ... if I decide to go in a different direction for awhile.

A clear indicator of this decision came when I was told I would be next participating.  I got the words and felt sick.  I didn't want to do it anymore.  It was the strangest thing. So now, its left me thinking about it non stop.  To me, the cons are definitely starting to outweigh the pros. 

Is there anything about this that I enjoy?  I don't know.  This isn't going to be something I decide quickly. It's not something that I will come to love ... because I would think in the last couple of years I would have fallen in love with it.  Wouldn't I?  How long do you give something before you realize that it isn't for you?   I have people saying I should stick with it but ... it isn't making me happy.  It's actually making me unhappy. 

And for that?  I shouldn't do it anymore. 

Life is way to short to be anything but happy.  I know this better than most people.  I feel like I am constantly walking around with an expiration date.  We all have one but I feel like mine is approaching faster than most.  It isn't about being aware that I could die.  We ALL die.  But, do you know what it's like to feel like ... it's behind you all the time.  I feel like it's my shadow.  Wherever I go ... there it is to remind me.  I feel a little off ... it reminds me.  I go to the doctor for even the most mundane reason ... it reminds me. 

Right now, I am miserable health-wise.  I want to crawl into bed right now and sleep for a week.  I am THAT tired ALL THE TIME.  It takes a lot of effort to do anything.  It SUCKS!  On Mondays, I take medicine that makes it worse.  Not to mention this last injection didn't go well and I felt 1000x worse than normal.  It was awful.  It seems to have subsided but ... Monday will come around again and I'll have to do another injection and ... start this whole process over again.   Welcome to my world.  But hey, I am still above ground, I am able to work a bazillion hours a week, and ... I can still smile even though I want to cry 95% of the time right now. 

I just want to be happy again. 

But, can I make the right decision?  Why do I feel like this isn't an easy decision? On one hand, I'd be over the moon and happy again.  On the other?  I feel like I'll regret it? Does that make any sense?  Oh, why does this have to be so hard?

Partly, it isn't.  I mean, I want to give up something.  I do ... SO badly.  But, my conscience is screaming at me that I can't.  For one, I'm not a "quitter".  Well, not entirely so.  I don't want to just "quit".  But, I am so very unhappy. 

I wish there was some sign telling me what I should do.  But, this isn't a movie so ... it's not like some little fairy is going to come into my life and guide me where I need to go.  Nope.  This is reality.  I'm on my own with this. 

Still wish there was a sign.

Somewhere out there is the right decision ... and I hope that I can find it.  I just want to be happy.  it's not that hard.  It's not like I am asking for a million dollars, but, I wouldn't turn that down if it was offered!!!!

Happiness ... please come back.  I really need you. 

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