Monday, November 3, 2014

The Happy Face

See that up there?  Isn't it cute? I've been a huge fan of the bright yellow smiley face for a very long time.  It makes me smile. How can you not smile when you look at it?  It's cheery, and it's adorable, and it's smiling!  Are you smiling yet?

Why did I post this ode to the yellow face?  Well, I need to remember to keep that on my own face at all times.  I started back on my nasty gross chemo medications today, as well as starting prednisone yesterday and I find myself feeling very grumpy and punchy.   I feel like crap.  Like, horrible crap, people would normally call in sick for this crap.  Alas, I will have to do this every Monday and I can't just not be at work every single Monday.  No, I can't really change the day that I do it because I work a lot, and ... if I did it on my days off, then I wouldn't enjoy my days off either.  It's a no win situation. It's easy to remember to do it on Mondays so ... Mondays it is. It doesn't make any of it any easier.

I shouldn't complain. I really shouldn't.  There are far worse things that can be happening right now. I have a good doctor who is helping me get through this and stopping this monster before any further damage can be done.  I was the one unaware that what I was feeling was Boris wreaking havoc again.  I chalked it up to a poor diet, not enough sleep, and a plethora of germs in my periphery.  I work in a petri dish, it could only be germs, right? 

Wrong.

I'm not like everyone else.  I am not normal.  I am not invincible like I used to be.  But, that doesn't mean that I have to be upset about it all the time.  It is what it is, and it isn't going to change.  I was having dinner with the husband the other night, and I was staring at my glass of Pinot Noir, sipping it slowly and savoring every last drop since I will not be having any alcohol for the next two years.  Thinking of that made me angry.  I asked him "What did I do so wrong in life?"  And he stared at me like I was crazy.  He was right to look at me like that.   I was being crazy.

I can't chalk all of this up to be some sort of punishment for something I did in another life, because truly things have been sort of bumpy all along.   Life happens to everyone.  Whether it be cancer, or bad relationships, deaths in the family, whatever it is that comes along and stresses us out, it's not for any purpose other than life.  Perhaps, it's a lesson we can actually learn from.  Each time we weather a storm, we are better prepared for when stormy weather returns again.  I am better prepared going into this medication journey.  I knew I would feel crappy within an hour after the injection.  I went grocery shopping and chopped up avocados for future smoothies because of the impending injection.  I planned ahead because I knew what was coming.   

There's no reason for me to be pouty or upset.  This is my life, and ... even though some people truly hate this phrase, "It is what it is".  What I have is incurable so ... I better get used to this because it's never going to go away.  If I let it bother me, I'll never be happy again. 

Can I say with certainty that I'll never be upset about this again?  No.  I am sure I will have moments where I will once again wonder what I did that was SO wrong that I have to go through this.  Especially when I feel like I am a super good person.  I help people to the detriment of my own health.  I try to be kind, I speak friendly to people as much as I can.  I do have my moments of venting.  I work hard to pay my bills, they are never late, I would put food on the table if I had my kitchen back together but I don't at the moment. 

I am a good person.  Unfortunately, bad things happen to good people.  Perhaps, it's nature or God telling me, without a doubt, I am a good person.  He feels I am strong enough to weather this storm.  He thinks I can get through it.  There must be some purpose for all of this. 

So, I will do all that I can to stay on the positive side of my realities.  I will remember that bright shiny smiley face when I want to be mean, and cranky, and throw temper tantrums about how unfair life can be.  I will recall that face and remind myself to smile.  Life is unfair.  Getting mad about it isn't going to do anything. 

Nothing is too great to get past, nothing is too bad that I have to treat everyone around me badly or hate life in general.  I've been given a LOT of reasons to think that life is something to be hated.  But ... it isn't.  The sooner everyone realizes that, the world will be a happier place.

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