Friday, December 12, 2014

Peel back the curtain

For the last 24 hours I have heard my most favorite sound off and on. There is nothing quite like the sound of pounding rain. I don't really know why it is so cathartic for me, only that it is. Honestly, I've needed the rain. Even without standing out in the middle of it, it washed away so much that's been dragging me down.

I feel like I'm starting to be able to peel back the curtain of depression. Yes. I still feel pretty shitastic everyday but, that's not changing and its not benefitting me to let it get to me. I've tumbled off the wagon of "eating clean." I've gained 25 lbs. I've been lazy (not restful) and just a miserable excuse for a human being.  This is not the person I am nor is it someone I want to be.

There's so much good in my life when you look past the bad. So I'm fat. What of it? I'm a good person. I have a big heart. So I have an incurable bastard of a disease. That's my problem. I'm fighting to stay a cancer survivor. I own a home. I am a hard ass worker who despite hours and hours of angry callers, difficult people and drama is still smiling. Even on 16 hr days, 80 hours a week.  I'm so much more than what people see.

I need to get back on the horse and turn that stallion back in the direction of my dreams.

I have a finished book that's had one rewrite. I need to do another. I'm not convinced its ready to go to the editor. I also don't have $500 to pay her yet. I have two other manuscripts started. Two very different ideas. I miss writing. Creating characters and watching them grow and change and falling in love with their story is my heaven. I need to get back to that.

I want to be an author more than anything in the world. Call me crazy but I just feel like my name should be out there. I should be more than this. I need more than this life. Not a different life ... I just need more in it. I need to push back that voice of insecurity that wonders if my writing will ever be good enough. When I read author bios on books I've read I notice they all have something I don't: a college degree.  Well that's a bit of a drawback. I'm a 34 year old woman who works 80 hours a week. Where would I squeeze college in?
I've started writing and rewriting my query letter because I want to get an agent. I want to be a REAL, honest-to-goodness author. I want THAT to be my job.  I'd never give up my full time job. I might be there less but, I love that job too and couldn't turn my back on the people I watch over.

The rain pounded Sonoma County and washed away the evidence of a drought. Listening to that sound and seeing the streaming drops, the splashing puddles, and the whippng winds cleansed me too. It washed away the top layer of sadness. It rejuvenatdd me and reminded me that I was making a go of going after what I want.

Yes I feel like my life will be very short and that's not gonna change. It just means I need to get a move on. I need to leave more of a legacy behind. I need to make more of a mark on the world.

I think I can get back on track. Baby steps, you know?

Step One: follow the doc's orders of clean eating, 0.8mg injections of Methotrexate once a week,  lots of water, and sleep.

Step two: write. Write. Write. Write and then ... Write more.

Step Three: eliminate negative influences "sayonara drama!"

Step Four and the motto I keep repeating like my own mantra "just keep smiling."

I hope you have a fantastic day.

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