Tuesday, January 13, 2015

I'd like a refund

As the minutes tick away the end of my 34th year on earth, I am feeling myself sinking further into a sort of depression.  Why?  Well, the last few birthdays have been just sort of ... eh.  No, it isn't because there wasn't a grand fete thrown in my honor.  I've learned that once we become an adult, the birthday parties sort of become a thing of the past.   It's more that I've been miserably unhealthy for my birthday.

The trials and tribulations of my health battle continue. Over the last month or two, the reactions to my medication have become worse.  I am now quite miserable for the entire week.  It tapers back from injection day to the weekend just before I have to have an injection again.  But, it always ramps up crazy after that stupid shot.  I've broken down, researched other meds that my Wegener's peeps use, and made an appointment to see the doctor about changing the medicine.   There is one that I want, desperately, because if I tolerate it the side effects will fade away!  Oh to feel somewhat normal again.  There is no greater hope. 

While I focus on getting to the 20th where I can throw myself at my rheumatologist's feet and beg her for the medicine, other things are happening.  Like, the massive lump on my spine between my shoulder blades.  I don't think it's attached to the spinal cord.  It feels mostly subcutaneous but it doesn't really move around like it's near the surface.  It's definitely not something that can be popped (believe me, the husband tried).  It is red hot!  It's all red around it and you can feel the heat radiating off it.  My neck hurts, my shoulder is starting to hurt now.  My neck is a constant pain which makes me think that the cyst is pressing on the spine in some fashion ... and then I have been having shooting pains in my left shoulder.  No.  It's not a heart attack. 

Dan is worried about cancer again.  He said the lump could be a tumor.  I replied with "It's not a tumor!" and then, Arnold's voice was in my head and I snickered.  Dan didn't see the humor in what I said because he is convinced I am not taking this seriously. 

Yes, there's a wee voice in the back of my mind who is murmuring about plasmacytomas.  After all, I had one in my neck that had globbed onto my salivary gland. That had also been just a lumpy thing in my neck that was passed off as an "inflamed salivary gland".  We all know how that turned out.   So, in order to remain relatively sane, I am telling myself that Mr. Lump is only an inconveniently growing cyst and not a dang thing to worry about.  It's just strange.  There's no bite marks, so it wasn't a love bite from a sneaky spider.  There's no clothing item that really rubs there so it's not like it was irritated by something.  It's not an ingrown hair because thankfully, I am a girl with a hairless back, minus the regular peachfuzz every human has. 

I fear there will be another minor, locally anesthisized lumpectomy to make sure it's nothing to be worried about because that is how ol' Dr. Z rolls.  Unfortunately, the first chance I have for anyone to look at it is that same doctor's appointment on the 20th.  There were no earlier appointments available.  I'll have the rheumatologist look at it and see if she sees anything to be worried about in relation to my major disease ... Boris the bastard never sleeping dragon, aka Wegener's Granulomatosis or Granulomatosis with Polyangiitis.  (Why are there so many I in that word?).  If she is concerned in any fashion, or if she thinks it needs further review, I will call Dr. Z's office and see if he can poke at it in all his cancer seeking wisdom. 

Unfortunately, this just means my 35th year is not starting out any better than my 32nd, 33rd, or 34th.  Is it any wonder there is a heavy sadness that I drag around with me wherever I go?  I never feel good.  I feel like I am fighting the worst flu imaginable ALL THE TIME.  Lately, the nausea is intense.  I lose my appetite SO easily.  I just want to lie down.  I feel needy and just want people to hold me and talk me through it.  My body aches, I feel feverish.  There are days when it takes every bit of concentration to pick my feet up off the ground to take a step forward.    How can someone feel happy when they feel like that? 

Some of the tiredness is my fault from working too much.  I don't have a choice there ... so I continue to trudge along.  At the very least, I can brag that how many people can feel the way I do and still bust their ass like me?  Not many, let me tell you.   I am working on my lying.  I want to tell people I feel fine because it's sort of annoying even to myself to be asked how I am and I say "Horrible".  Who would even want to keep talking to me?!

Oh 35 ... I have dreaded you for the last few months.  Not because of your number.  No.  I dread you because I live in fear that you are the last birthday I will celebrate.  I don't know why.  I just do.  Something feels so ominous about you and ... I am scared.    I am not ready to leave this place.  I haven't yet done enough living.  Hell, please just let me see my house finished.   

I wish I could do something for my birthday.  Anything to make it feel like a good day, instead of feeling like I am turning down the final corridor of my life.  Maybe it's just the sadness ... maybe that's why these feelings have come.  I can't explain it.  The nightmares about dying are more frequent.  Like ... I see the white light and I find myself running the other way. I wake up with my heart absolutely racing.  Sometimes, I can't seem to regulate my heart beat and it's all over the place which makes the anxiety worse. 

I don't want to die.  I have been taking the steps to make the shell that this sick person lives in look and feel better.  Except for the cheat day I will be having tomorrow ... I will not be eating bread, no processed/added sugars, very limited fruit, lots of veggies and protein.  Very clean. I want to lose weight so that, at the very least, should something happen to me ... I'll be pretty before I go. 

I know this is very melancholy and I apologize.  But ... I needed to get this off my chest. 

It's just a cyst.  It's just a cyst. It's just a cyst.  Dr. B will change my medications, I won't have a bad reaction to them, and things will look up.  I have irrational fears and they will not come true.  These are all things I must say to myself.    It's going to be OK.  I have to say it because ... who will?

I just thought of something.  I'll be 35 in 22 minutes.  It's kind of like the warranty on my life.  35 years, so many thousand miles ... things are starting to break!!!

At least that made me smile!!!

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