Wednesday, September 30, 2015

But wait ... there's more!

When I cite the things that are wrong with me, I cringe.  It's a hefty list! No wonder I often look out at the world with a sort of blank apathy.  There is worse that could be happening ... that is true in probably every situation.  But, when you're standing at the foot of the mountain, it gets hard to be able to grasp that and put the smile back in its rightful place.

My doc and I are investigating the potential OTHER problems I might be having.  I have found myself spiraling down the rabbit hole, hands flailing around for something to grab onto so that I don't plummet all the way to the cold hard ground some distance below.   The depression is ramping itself up because I am not having any relief from a lot of these symptoms.  I am in tremendous amounts of pain and an 800mg Ibuprofen doesn't alleviate it at all.  There's not even a tiny twinge of relief.  I can't sleep because I can't get comfortable, the pain wakes me up.  I can't concentrate, I can't think.  I can't do the things I enjoy.  I can't move around much so I am not exercising and gaining weight because I took prednisone.  All of this is compounding and making me feel pretty desperate.  I feel like I am constantly on the verge of bursting into tears.  A couple times, I actually have. 

So, I turned to the good doctor begging for something ... anything ... to make it better.  She had mentioned another additional diagnosis a few months back and when I decided to research what she'd said, I was shocked to find that I matched up with all the symptoms on the short list and pretty much all of the symptoms on the long extended list.  What is this mystery disease?

Fibromyalgia. 

Oh lovely. 

To me, this is a disease that has so much stigma behind it.   People either accept what you say and do what they can to help or they launch into some diatribe about it being all in your head, diet affected, etc. 

Let me break it down to you this way.  Diet affects everything we do.  Every condition can benefit from a clean eating regimen.  Every. One.  Of. Us.  So, honestly, if I hear someone start to lecture me on that if I am diagnosed I am all ready to launch back. 

I'm just so tired of being told by everyone how to fix me.  Thanks, I appreciate that you have the miracle cure.  I just want someone to support me, is that asking a ton?  Just be there for me, just let me have a moment, just let me cry.  I've soldiered on with his, hiding most of my tears and frustrations.  Yes, I've vented here and people have heard me vent but I try to keep it away from the world because ... no one gives a shit. 

The truth hurts but it's true. 

All I can say is ... I'm actually hoping its true. Then, there's something that can be done.  Reading the doctor's reply to my plea for heavier pain meds because I can't sleep at night destroyed me.  I can't take heavy narcotics if I do have Fibromyalgia and ... she wants to wait to figure that out and ... I would then have to talk to my general doctor.

That doesn't make the pain stop now. 

I feel the tears coming again.  I hurt so bad from head to toe.  My sinuses are throbbing, my rib cage feels like I have three knives poking into them on my back, I can feel every bone and joint in my body.  My head feels like it is in a fog, like a storm cloud of its own.  I can't ever get comfortable in any chair or bed, etc.  I can't stand, I can't do anything to feel any sort of peace ... any relief. 

You can imagine why I would feel like I am going to cry.  I just want to feel NORMAL.  I just don't want to hurt!!!!!  I would gladly feel run down and tired right now.  I would gladly take that part and give away this massive pain that is the only thing I can think of right now.  It's the only thing that ever crosses my mind. 

I am hitting the end of my rope.  I really am. 

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