Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Sometimes, I wonder ... why bother?

Warning: The following isn't going to be a very happy post.  If you're not interested in the woes that bounce around in my head ... leave now. 

Have I mentioned lately that I hate my life?  That's a generic statement.  I don't exactly hate everything of my life.  I love my husband, our animals, my hodge podge family, I love my house even though it's sucking the money out of my bank account and stressing me out.  From a distance, I have it pretty darn good, don't I?   

Let's lift the lid off the snowglobe of my life and peek inside.

I am miserable.  I feel awful.  I've been sick for a few weeks now and it's really bothering me.   I had bronchitis and that was one thing.  I'll take that back in a heart beat in exchange for what I am feeling right now. 

In short, it feels like my brain is dying.  I'm dizzy.  The world spins around me for no explained reason.  I try to feel it out and there are some obvious triggers.  I look down at my phone and scroll through things, I am looking at stuff on the internet, turn my head too fast, turn a corner.  Those are clear vertiginous triggers.  However, I could be sitting here looking out the window and suddenly the room is whirling out of control and I feel like I am going to collapse.    I can't concentrate.  I struggle to find words, I forget what I am doing.  I feel confused a lot. 
Right now, it feels like I took some heavy medications and am about to drop off into hours of unconsciousness.  Except, I haven't.  I feel like the whole front of my brain can't comprehend anything ... and I feel like I am sort of not all here. 
My heart feels like it is struggling to pump sometimes in my chest or that it's going too fast.   I have strange headaches that cause dizziness and nauseous on top of the regular dizziness.   And then, there's the weird, and painful, pain and pressure behind my left eye that flails out of control when I tilt my head forward. 

I am in a very unhappy place when it comes to my health.   I feel like I am left to just sort of 'deal with this' on my own.  Everyone has great advice: Call the doctor, go to the ER.  Yay, great ideas, right?

Wrong.

I look too healthy.  I am one of those "You don't LOOK sick" people.  So I must be faking the whole bloody thing, right?   I'm not super thin, I have no outward signs of anything.  I must just be someone who is manifesting this whole thing for my  own misery.

Don't make me laugh. 

I had several moments where I should have been in the ER.  Did I go?  No.  Because the triage nurses always treat me like garbage.  And then, I sit in there and have an EKG which is normal ... then I have normal blood work (because they only test for the basics in the ER), and no one ... and I do mean NO ONE ... knows anything about the disease that I have.  They look at me like it's something I pulled out of freaking thin air. 

Yes, Dr. Know-It-All, I made this up.  I feel like being in complete misery and having your staff treat me like I am a pill popper trying to score some free meds.  I like this life, please ... treat me like crap some more.  It's not like I am not already upset enough.  Let's make it worse!!!

Why do I even bother to try and fix anything?  WHy do I take my medications on schedule?  I should just stop taking them and let things do what they will.  The way I am living now I am expected to just be completely miserable 100% of the time.  At least I'm alive, right?   Perhaps if I was rolled into my doctor's office half dead, they'd go: "Oh, we should have treated this before it got thisbad"

You think?

It doesn't do me any good to even vent here.  It's not like it is going to change anything.  There are people going through far worse than me.  I should just close my mouth, not say a word, smile and tell everyone I am fantastic and pretend there is no strange disease taking up residence inside my body. 

I'm perfectly health, thank you.  How are you?

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