Saturday, March 12, 2016

Next Up: Another GIANT Leap of Faith.

Remember that journey of a thousand miles I spoke of a few months back? I am about to take the second step of that thousand mile journey. Step one was getting on a plane for the first time for a super quick and speedy journey down to Orange County and back. Step two will be marching myself onto a much bigger plane, for a much longer flight, to the sun and sandy, palm tree lined beaches of Hawaii.

An opportunity presented itself and no person in their right mind would have said no. My beautiful stepmother who has been a mother to me longer than my own mother is taking me to Hawaii. It was supposed to be a trip with my baby brother and I but he was a dork, hurt himself, and had surgery yesterday to repair it.  SO, now it's a girls trip. I agreed to go ... and then I've been battling that tiny voice of anxiety in my head.  "A longer flight!? Over the ocean?! What are you thinking?!"

My inner voice is VERY dramatic. She has a lot of flair.  She's also incredibly neurotic and an anxious little monster. She's always talking. Always. I can't get her to shut up.  For the last few months she's been droning on about this. Wondering about turbulence and flying over the ocean and being in a metal tube for that long and having to use a tiny box of a bathroom on an airplane when your body is the shape of a manatee. 

Anyway, I am going to Hawaii.  Guess when that happens?

Eight days. 8. That's one day over a week. I fly out Sunday, March 20th, at 0700am.  So, tomorrow morning means I have one whole week before this happens.

Cue inner freak out right? Well, yes. Of course, this is me we are talking about. Except, there's the part of me that is SUPER excited to get on a plane again.  I absolutely loved flying last time but that doesn't mean my inner voice is happy about this.
It's like my brain is split in two. Half of me is like "Woo hooooo!!! A plane! Traveling! Adventure! Beaches, Palm Trees, Umbrella drinks ... oh my!!!" While the other side is like "no. I can't do this. It's scary. You want me to fly over the ocean?! Are you insane?!"

I have always wanted to go on a tropical vacation. I drool over those pictures of people laying by a gorgeous, infinitesimal blue sea that spreads out for miles, a drink in their hand with a cute little umbrella or wedge of pineapple at the top, and the sun. Glorious warm sun.  I've wanted to do that forever.  I am actually going to do it.  YAY.

So why am I not like jittery excited in my chair, crossing days off on the calendar? Well .. there's that other part that speaks up every now and then.

I'm a cow. A manatee if you will. A whale? No. Manatees are adorable so I'll stick with manatee. I heard about the trip and was so sure I would get my eating in check, work out a bunch and be MUCH smaller than I am right now when I left. Instead? I've gained 10 lbs and absolutely cannot stand the person I see in the mirror. I can find no redeeming qualities in her.  I am SO mad at myself. There aren't words. There's no excuse. I let myself fall to my whims. I let myself be led astray whether it be from stress, lack of sleep, sheer desire for something yummy, lack of desire to get up and move.  I did this to myself. There is NO excuse for it. I know how to get in shape. I know what to do, what to eat and you know what? I didn't do it.

I will be headed off to Hawaii ... as a manatee. It is what it is. But, it limits what I can do when I get there and my adventures, much smaller, in shape brother isn't going .... the person who could do all the things my mom wants to do without question.  There would be no weighing him to let him do certain things. No public shame there.   It makes me feel like I am going to ruin her trip because I can't do certain things that she can.   Maybe it's the neurotic voice talking but ... it is true.

I digress.  What I was saying when this blog all began was that I am taking that second step. A step pulling me closer to being able to board a Virgin Atlantic or British Airways plane and jetting off to my dream home, the land I swoon over every chance I get, the land of sexy accents and British men, the Tower Bridge, the Tower of London, and Buckingham Palace. A place I can see the Union Jack hanging from every pole.

Ahhhh ... England.

As scared as I am, I know that once again, I need to do this. If I don't ... there will never be a Nikki in England. I may just go live there after I retire.  Follow in Lisa's footsteps and just go ... there's an entire world out there. A world full of history and wonders and everything I need in my life.

But first ... Hawaii.

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