Monday, February 12, 2018

Hit the Reset Button and try again

When I was off the last two days, I got this idea in my head that I would start a blog about weight loss, fitness (or my attempts at it), and nutrition. I love to write, have a mad case of writers block when it comes to books, and feel like I need to stretch my writing skills even with the writers block.  People have blogs. Who doesn't have a blog, right? You can find a blog about literally E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.  But, what I did find was a lot of super fit people blogging about eating healthy and working out.

I'm certainly not super fit, skinny, naturally beautiful, etc.  I'm certainly not what would be considered a fitness model or role model in any world but ... I am going to put myself out into the world in the hopes that there is someone out there, like me, who is trying to find some sort of motivation or inspiration to get back on track and get it moving.

So, I will re-direct this blog that was started about my fall into the world of cancer and autoimmune disease to how I am going to get my life back under the careful control of my own two hands. It's going to be an incredibly LONG journey.  It certainly won't be a quick fix. There will be ups and downs.  OK, I'll be upfront right now and say there will be a lot of downs.  I am my own worst enemy sometimes!!!  But, it will be real and honest. I'll be perfectly blunt and upfront with y'all because I am ready for full accountability.

In October of 2016, I started the Kaiser Medical Weight Management program. Fast forward like ... mmm 4ish months and I was down 80 lbs. An even 80lbs exactly. Wow!  What a feat, right? It was fantastic but ... it was also super easy because I was just  drinking fluids.  Liquid diet! While on the surface that sounds terribly hard, I found it super freaking easy. All I had to do was drink six times a day. There was ZERO thought into planning my day.  Grab six packets and head out the door. Bam. Full day planned.

When we started to incorporate food back into our days, I started to wobble. *sigh* I can't cook. I can't! I can do many things ... cooking is certainly not one of them. There is nothing more frustrating than working forever on something, making a massive mess, and then it tastes terrible. I started with a simple meal and that was OK.  But ... it didn't go well beyond that.

In March of  2017, I added CrossFit into my life.  I'd gained probably 5-6 lbs by then and figured with CrossFit 3x a week, I would get that 5-6 back off and then some.  However, doing CrossFit meant I had to eat more than I was because I was doing incredibly hard workouts with not a lot of food going in to fuel my body for those workouts. And, I was picking up dinner for my husband after working out (which was never something healthy!).   I'd leveled everything out pretty well.  I wasn't gaining weight, but I certainly was NOT losing it.

Around August, my body started to revolt. Hello, autoimmune "friend". Wegener's Granulomatosis with Polyangiitis.  Say that 10x fast!  It's my lifelong companion.  My every two months-giving up 8-12 vials of blood-friend. August was about the time to go  get my blood work done so I did. I realized I was struggling through workouts, and sometimes even opting to skip them because I just couldn't move. Sure enough, the B cells that I had killed off six months prior had started to return. So, I was scheduled for another round of Rituxan/Rituximab.  Yay for being happy about shooting chemotherapy medications into my body.  What sounds terrible is my miracle drug and I was happy to know that another few months of heaven were around the corner.

Round 1 went well.  I was back on the working out horse, snagged a 300lb Deadlift PR (personal record) and felt really good. Shortly after that, I was able to yank up a 320lb PR on the same lift. And then it was time for Round 2.  Round 2 did NOT go well.  I did not bounce back from it. I struggled hardcore with it as we rolled through September. I even end up in the ER feeling incredibly dizzy.  Well ... that didn't go as planned.

I had a hard time getting back to the regular workouts. Which would be OK ... except I was still eating like I was working out 4x a week.  Yes, I'd ratcheted those workouts up to 4x a week and was hoping for 5x a week in the future when my chemo treatment didn't go well.  Grrr.  The pounds gradually inched their way up.

And then, the kicker to end all kickers.  October 8th 2017. The North Bay Wildfires exploded onto the scene.  I flew to work in the wee hours of October 9th, and basically worked 12-15 hours a day from there on out for about 3 weeks with about 2 days off spread out in between.  I couldn't sleep, and for the first couple days I couldn't eat but then ... I found my 'stress eating' abilities and ... the food was in abundance both from work bringing us food and the public showering us with edible things! 

Because that is what you do for people going through a hard time, right? Feed them.  Food soothes the soul!!!!

It soothed my soul and padded my ass a bit too much. All the food wouldn't have been an issue but my 4x a week of working out that had already taken a hit was now down to no times a week for like a month. And it's been a battle to get back on the horse ever since.

I have never felt 100% since that last chemo treatment.  Never. I feel like it never really had a chance to really give my disease the 1-2 punch it usually does. And then, the stress from the fires just sent my system into a tailspin and old habits of stuffing my face took control once again.

Altogether, since April, I have gained 40 lbs of my 80 lb weight loss back. Going from a liquid diet to regular life is bound to bring back some poundage. But, I went above and beyond and there isn't a morning that I see that number on the scale that I don't get mad. 

This is no one's fault but my own. Fire or no fire, bad chemo or not, I was the one who put food in  my hand and craned it into my face. I didn't have to. But there's that fat girl voice in my brain that says ... 'you've earned it ... you're going through something terrible.'

I need to stop letting that little voice make decisions for me.  She's going to squawk at me probably a thousand times a day, but I need to let the fed-up girl who wants to be fit and athletic yell louder than her. 

I need to be back in control.  So here I am, facing down my demons. I gained 40 lbs from my liquid diet. I could call myself a failure but that is more negative self talk. I know people talk, and people are saying "i knew this would happen" but that's on them for needing to find comfort for themselves in cheering my failures.  I need to stop having negative self talk.  We all fall down, I need to accept that I will fall, but to not sit there and wail about it.  I need to just get back up on my feet and keep moving forward.

I will be down 100+ by the time I turn 40.  That's just under two years away.  It's not a time limit, I don't HAVE to be down that much by January 14th, 2020.  But, I am determined to be damn close.  Am I going to be 100% perfect the entire time?  No friggin' way.  I know me. I know I will slip up, trip, fall, smash my face into the ground, or a donut, whatever.  It's going to happen.  It's how I react to those falls that is going to change.

Care to join me on this journey?

Follow along in Instagram at @nicolealison  - watch my Instagram stories (clicking on my main picture or on the little circle at the top) and here on this lil bloggy thing.  Find me on Facebook at Nikki Grace.

Anything is possible if we try hard enough.

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