Saturday, April 28, 2018

I don't have the keys!

My body loves to remind me constantly that I am not the one in the drivers' seat.  Wegener's took they keys away from me 6 years ago and refuses to give them back. What a tool.

Infusion was done mid-February and beginning of March so I should be rolling great right now and for the most part, I am!  However, for three weeks my voice has played hide and seek and my cough roars out of me like a harbor seal ... sometimes uncontrollably so. Now, I am no stranger to bronchitis since the inception of this here disease and I know that coughs linger for months.  But the way my voice is acting up too and the fact that my cough is getting worse and not better has reminded me that I am not in control of how things go.

I had hoped to be back on the 4x a week CrossFit train by now, but I am holding steady at 3x a week.  Which, let's be honest, is not something to be disappointed in.  That's a pretty good schedule, especially for someone who appears grossly out of shape like me. But, it's not where I wanted my butt to be by now and I blame this friggin' cough and these busted up lungs.

I should have been there at CrossFit last night.  But, I coughed and coughed all day, my chest was tight like someone had wrapped a thick band around it and was squeezing and I was having trouble keeping my eyes open. In short, I felt absolutely terrible.  Knowing that my work schedule spreads out in front of me for eternity, I knew I needed to bow out and lie down.  I was asleep by 7:15 p.m.

Certainly a sign of me needing a break.

Today's not much better.  My lungs hurt pretty badly but ... I am more awake at least.  I am positive and looking forward, learning that this disease is a serious butthole and I sometimes have to just listen to it.  I have known this and have repeated it to myself before but I feel like I am actually believing it now.  I've been reading a lot about how to face certain things, how to deal with negativity, accept it, and not let it get under those super tender layers because ... it isn't about me.  Even if something does seem directed at me, it's not.  It's them, that old adage, yadda yadda.  But, weirdly, I'm starting to get it.  I am starting to understand it.  Because, I see it in myself.  I see when I react at something that it's me doing it.  I am in control of how I react and often times, the negative reaction gives control over to other people and ... I have enough problems with my disease controlling me, I don't need people to be able to do that as well.

Definitely trying to find the balance with that but I am a much happier person at work.  I manage to stay just this side of the swirling vortex of drama and if it touches me, it's just enough to shake it off at the gym.

Do I still get anxious about what I can't control?  Sure, but I also have been better at dealing with it.

Health isn't just physical. Mental Health is just as important as physical health because they affect each other.  Physically unwell, you're going to get depressed, anxious, sad, etc.  Mentally unwell can keep you out of doing active things that you enjoy which could lead to bad physical health with illness, etc.  So you see, the two have to work well together.

I am trying to work on both so that I can be happier.

I use to say that there was no point in doing all this saving for retirement because I'll never make it that far.  Why would I say something so terrible?  Well, historical facts.  My parents never made it out of their 40s. My grandparents (minus one great grandmother and my stepgrand parents who don't share my biology) all died fairly young into their lives.  So ... longevity is not something that runs in my blood so why not live now!?

Except, I did a bit too much of that and am paying off debt for it. And, the living I did wasn't even like grand vacations and what not. Nope, just went to restaurants out of my price range and lived beyond my means. But, every action has a consequence so ... I must pay these things off.  And I will it's just a matter of time. Thankfully, we are beyond short staffed at work so there are plenty of extra hours available.

I got a little off track ... OK, back to my train of thought.  I'm trying to work now on both those health things so that I can enjoy my years ahead because I plan on having them. I plan on getting through the next couple years and being mostly debt-free (that house payment isn't going anywhere for awhile!) and being able to plan what happens after I am done with work.  Because, when I started, 30 years felt much longer than it actually is as I cruise halfway through my 16th year with the department.  Over halfway to 30 years. It's time to start realizing what comes next is something I need to plan for.

And I plan on being alive and healthy for it.  Will I be cured of Wegener's?  No. It's not curable. It's definitely manageable and I plan on having this dumb thing so managed that I don't need medications for awhile. Not there yet but ... maybe after the next infusion?  I also plan on being more physically fit so that I can spend my days off (because I will have more of them someday) hiking or ... going and DOING STUFF!  I must do ALL THE THINGS!

I may not be in the drivers' seat of my life ... but I am at least going to make sure my driver is a reliable one that will get me where I need to go in a somewhat safe manner.

What are you going to do today that helps your health, be it physical or mental? Do something that makes you feel good.  If that's just being cozy and doing nothing?  Well, by all means, do it and enjoy the hell out of it.

Take care!

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