Wednesday, April 25, 2018

Worst liar in the world? THE SCALE!

Before I write this I must give a disclaimer.  I know I don't look fit at all. Like, not even in the slightest bit. But, this squishy body is getting seriously stronger. 

OK, got that out of the way.  Here's a little backstory:

I weigh myself every day. Five out of ten people will say this is not a good idea because the scale fluctuates up and down, blah blah blah. But, the other five people will be in the same camp as me.  This keeps me wholly accountable.  I didn't do this before I was introduced to the horrific, yet effective, drug known as Prednisone. More specifically, high dose prednisone. 60mg a day. To put it in perspective, most doctors prescribe 10mg or so for an infection and you taper off that over a period of time.  People usually gain some weight on just that small taper dose because that drug seriously messes with your body.  So multiply that by 6! Imagine the things I was feeling when that drug was working to stop my immune system from going after whatever it could. On top of that, I had ZERO energy and felt like shit every day so I wasn't doing anything to counteract the EXTREME hunger that came along with it. 

Anyway, I gained a ton of weight and since trying to get that weight off, I've become well attuned to the scale and watching to make sure I never reach numbers that I had in the past.  It also helps me monitor when I've had good sleep or not and the amount of hours because it will go up 1-2 lbs with little or crappy sleep.

On the flip side, it's not going down from the 30lbs I've gained since starting CrossFit. I've already covered how I did that but to sum up: eating like crap and not being consistent with exercise and good healthy foods.  Even working out regularly can't fix that - we've already covered that ... moving on.

So the scale isn't moving.  OK, I lied, it's inching.  But I'd rather it inch and stay away than drop quickly and return just as quickly as it has in the past.

In my head, I know what I weigh and that translates in my messed up brain to being out of shape, etc. Yet, I walk into the gym, I look at the workout which seems IMPOSSIBLE and then somehow ... I finish it. I may have scaled some of the movements but, I finished. And, we do our strength sessions and the weight is going up, and my form is getting better. For instance, we've been doing multiple rounds of high reps (3 sets of 10-15 at 80% of a certain max that we had) and I finish them at a higher number! It's incredibly motivating.

So, somewhere underneath the squishy stuff is muscle and it's growing and getting stronger.

My pants are also bigger than they should be in correlation to the number on the scale.  I feel better.  I have more energy and even though I might moan and groan that something is sore, I know it's sore because whatever I did is working. It means I used those muscles, even the teeny tiny ones somewhere hidden that we don't talk about.

I look at that scale in the morning and want to be angry but I know it's lying to me. It's just a number that doesn't directly translate to me. I know that I am strong. I can deadlift 320lbs (probably more but that was what I hit just before the fires), I can back squat almost 200 lbs.  I was flinging 85 lbs into the air easily last night during the workout.  I think I can do a 100lb thruster (need to try it - last time was 90 and I was certain I could go higher).  My snatch is UGLY but it's getting there.  I can power snatch almost 100 - it's the squat part that throws me.  My squat clean is also getting there.  Thinking of dropping below a heavy barbell makes my brain scream that I am going to hurt my knees so I am hesitant but ... I did 135 lbs last time and dropped under it and was so happy.  I know I could do more.  My power clean is higher than that.

I am strong. It might not look like it but I am.  And I am getting stronger ... and I will eventually look the way that I feel and that ... will just be icing on the cake.

Don't always listen to the scale - it's there to discourage you and make you feel bad about yourself. Listen to how you feel ... listen to what you are able to do. It's easier said than done, believe me, I know! Because I also do the very same thing.  And then, it takes a good night at CrossFit to make me realize that I am capable of a LOT more than what my weight says I am.  I still can't run for shit without having to stop and wheeze terribly to catch my breath.  But I'll get there.  I also can't do a pull up or rope climb because I am a heavy weight and to be able to do that is to be able to get that weight up in the air. It's not there yet, but it will be.

We need to be kinder to ourselves, and each other.  Girls, listen to me, we need to be nicer to each other.  I feel like we are the worst to one another, always judging people for how they look, talk, etc. We can be so vicious to each other and to ourselves. We don't have to look like the model on the cover of the magazine because even she doesn't look like that! Be amazed at what you're capable of doing, of what you've accomplished.  Be proud of yourself for getting up and walking even if it is just to the end of the block and back.  Instead of getting upset that you're winded, look around you and admire the blue of the sky or the green of the grass.  I get upset during running workouts because I'm walking ... but I am doing something and that isn't something to be upset about so I get it.  I do it too.

We are a marvel. We are capable of so much. And, when we are upset that we can't do ______, remember that there are those people who wish they could do what we can. Life is a gift, every single day is a gift. Find the good in each day because there is always something.

You are not a number on a scale. I am not a number on a scale. I am strong.  I am getting better every single day.  Do I wish I could change things about my life currently?  Hell yes, but I have spent far too many days dwelling on what isn't going to change for awhile.  It will change, yes.  But for now, I must put one foot in front of the other, and take my life one day at a time. Tomorrow's going to come anyway ... and I will have wasted today, worrying about tomorrow.

I hope that you have a beautiful day whatever you are doing. Be kind to yourself, be kind to those you know and who you may come across.  Just be kind.

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