Thursday, July 5, 2018

My own worst enemy.

It is often said that we are our own worst enemies.  We critique ourselves harder and put more pressure on ourselves to succeed than anyone else around us will.

It is this statement that has led me to think I was just riding myself hard for so many years.  I wouldn't allow myself to get too confident in anything, because there is always room for improvement, etc.  Yes, that is still true.  We can always be just a smidge or more better ... HOWEVER, I took it to an entirely new extreme.

I don't think I've ever truly let myself be proud of myself for anything, not for more than a moment.  I might say that I am ... and there have been flashes of things that I have been super proud of.  Alas, that moment of pride quickly dissolves into an inner monologue about being too cocky, and coming across as a braggart.  So, even when I am happy about something, that vicious voice inside me rips me apart.

Healthy? 

I think not.

Here's something I've discovered with the help of an amazing YouTube Channel (Lose It Like Lauren) ... Being healthy isn't just about diet/exercise.  It requires an enormous amount of mental strength as well.   If the mental strength isn't there ... the rest of it is bound to fail. And, I believe that you can follow thousands of positive thinking instagram pages, and hit like on several positive self talk memes but ... unless you believe those words and actively implement it into your own mindset ... it won't work.

How do I know this? 

I struggle with this daily!! Good lord, my mind is horrifically abusive to me. I am admitting it.  I am so terrible to myself.  Some people may already know this just based on being around me. But, it's SO true.  Like ... beyond true!! I need a more powerful word than true. 

I am the first to say I'm fat, or I'm ugly, or I am not good enough, I'm not smart.  I can't do a pull up, I can't run, I can't  .... I can't ... I can't ... or I am not ... I am not ... I am not.  Seriously!  This is like a loop in my head.  It starts first thing in the morning when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror while I am headed to the shower.  *cringe* It continues with a monologue about whatever parts I dislike in the shower.  Then, I try to do my hair and get frustrated because I hate my hair. I need to cut it, I want to dye it again but I don't have the money ... I don't know how to do my hair.  I'll just pull it up again ... blah blah blah.

See where this is headed?  Nowhere good, trust me.

This continues throughout the day, getting worse and worse until I am a wound up ball of negativity.  When this ball of negativity heads off to my favorite place in the whole county (CrossFit) it only implodes even more.  Because there will be something up on the board like ... running.  My mind instantly rages at me for being such a fat ass that can't even run 200m without stopping. 

This cannot be beneficial to me.  And, it certainly hasn't been. 

I lost 80 lbs not that long ago on Kaiser's liquid diet thing.  I didn't eat anything I wasn't supposed to for 6 months!!! Somehow, I managed to do that and was successful.   But, as soon as I was on my own and not too good at the cooking/eating dept and faced with HUGE stress at work and not working out and the weight creeped up ... that voice got louder and louder about how I am such a failure because I gained back so much weight.

How am I supposed to overcome this voice?  I am not 100% sure but I am certainly going to try.  I am making a list of things I want to accomplish (crossfit goals, etc) and I am going to write down my weight loss goals as well with their little mini rewards and you know what?  I am going to celebrate EVERYTHING I DO.  Yes, everything.  I am going to post my workouts ... and how I did.  I am going to post my weight loss, I am going to celebrate when I get through a day without cheating ...

It might be annoying to y'all but I am warning you ahead of time so that you can block me if you need to. 

Because I NEED TO DO THIS TO SAVE MY LIFE.

I have felt my brain go into dark corners that I never imagined it would ... led there by my vicious inner voice.  She's a bitch and I am trying to take my life back.  So, if you have to not follow me ... I am OK with that because I intend on living many more years and I want those years to be happy and productive and healthy.

I can do this. I know I can.  I've been vigilant with things before and now ... I intend to be vigilant with this.  I will do all I can to stay on top of myself, to squash those dark thoughts and negative words with something else.  If that's taking my 500th selfie for the month to post my face to the world because that is my face as it is right now and ... it's perfectly fine to look the way it does.

Wanna come with me on this journey?  Then, follow along!