Sunday, October 7, 2018

Thoughts can sink ships

Guess whose back .... back again ...

The world that is my life got a little topsy turvy since I last wrote.  Some of you who know me may look at me and go "How do you figure?"

You see, my friend, things are not always as they seem.  It's like the image of an iceberg.  Cute, tiny, little white triangle sticking out of the water ... GINORMOUS trapezoid with sharp edges under the surface.  Now, I am not saying there is anything about me that is cute and tiny. It's just an analogy.  Kind of like a duck on the surface of a pond.  It appears they are floating along but their little feet are rapidly paddling away beneath them.   I may smile and continue working 80 hours a week, but it doesn't mean that all is well within me.

Because, it isn't.  It's better now, but it was very bad there for a bit.

I can't exactly pinpoint what it is.  It could be a mash up of my life experiences and past traumas and emotional dings that I never dealt with finally becoming a roadblock I couldn't just breeze past. All I know was it was one moment, I was normal-ish and then the next, I wasn't.

My mind wouldn't shut the f*** up. I was quite literally in a state of panic about losing my house, my car, my dog, my husband, ... my job ... you name it!  I was fixated on whether or not I was making enough money so that the above losses wouldn't happen.  Even though I work plenty of extra hours (understatement of the year) and was in no danger of losing any of those things.  I believe, in the only logical way I can, that I felt this way because it seemed like money was something I could control.  I could work more if I needed to (please ... not anymore than I am right now!!!) It is the only thing I can control in this world.  Need money?  Work more. 

I wouldn't consider myself a control freak but when I look back on my life, alllllllll the way back to when I was but a wee child, I have worried about things that are out of my realm of control.  My parents being alive.  I freaked out about that on the regular.  It was something I was afraid of and I felt that if I worried enough, it would never happen.  Well ... I guess I didn't worry enough. 

No, I am not so naive that I truly believe I could have saved my parents.  I couldn't have.  What happened to them is a part of my journey and I wouldn't be the person I am if they were still here.  Because I was a bratty-ass teenager.  Could there have been a different life lesson to turn me around?  Sure, but God chose this path for me and that is what happened.

Anyway, I was literally blinded, hobbled, and crippled by my anxiety.  I needed to be at home when i wasn't at work.  I felt safe if I was at home at night.  I was with the husband and dog the house, etc.  But, I lost something in that time.  I wasn't going to the gym. 

Ironically, CrossFit is what pulled me through some of the heavier bouts of depression that would bloom and I wasn't going to do that.  I was going straight home from work and hibernating inside.  Even though, my little voice in my head was telling me what a loser I was for missing the gym AGAIN!  Then, when I'd eat something bad, oooh boy she really liked to lay into me with the fact that I was eating like shit and not working out. 

My inner voice is a bitch.  I hate her. 

Miraculously, during this horrific, self-loathing, self-hatred, anxiety avalanche of struggle and depression, I found a way to fight it head on.  Because we live in a world where people like to attack others for their choices, lifestyle, or anything that people disagree with I will keep what it is to myself.  But, it helped me ... tremendously.  Am I 100% better?  HAHAHA, that's funny.  But, I am able to fight this. 

One of the favorite things I have read in dealing with this was this:

"Just because a thought exists, doesn't make it true." 

It's a thought.  It's like the internet, it can have whatever your little heart imagines up and can make you think it's true beyond a reasonable doubt.  It can make you absolutely lose your ever-lovin' mind ... and for what? Does thinking something make it true? 

No.

I still find myself struggling from time to time with various different things. But, I also think I, and my favorite co-pilot, are getting a better grip on the reins and I am sitting more sure in the saddle. 

I am learning a lot about myself in this battle. I am realizing that I cannot fix what is wrong on the outside of me if the inside of me is jacked up.  I tried that.  I become obsessed and even more judgmental of myself than I should be because I haven't stifled that inner bitch.  She needs to shut her hole before I can have a healthy view of life.

I'm starting to get CrossFit back into my routine.  I've gone once a week for the last two weeks.  I'd like to go 3x this week but I won't beat myself up if I go twice.  I have to allow myself some wiggle room.  I am not a failure if I don't go.  Just don't give up, right?

I have a better perspective on a lot of things but I am not perfect.  I have a LONG way to go and may never be perfect. Is anyone perfect?  No.  Remember, appearances can be deceiving!!

If you are thinking bad things, just remember, the thought isn't exactly true just because it is there.  I know this is easier said than done.  I know this and I know there are people who have entire planets of struggle in their path and it won't just be gone that easily.  It's just something I like to use to help me sort through what I do need to worry about and what I don't. 

There is so much good in my life.  I truly am blessed ... I just get blinded sometimes.  It happens and it will happen again I am sure.

I hope you are well. 


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